Are we ever "home free"?

It's been a really...let's see...I want to say, "It's been a really fucking hard week" but I've already offended my mother once this week by using "the f word" in my writing -- and as a quote from her three-year-old granddaughter no less.

So I will just say that this week has been very challenging.

I can't really pinpoint one thing that was especially hard about it but it really felt like a long, painful, uphill climb -- and there was waaaaaay too much yelling and too much crying and too many temper-tantrums.

And I'm not just talking about my kids -- I really sucked as a mom this week in a lot of ways.

I yelled too much. I was too rough putting my almost-two-year-old into his carseat and squashed his beautiful, curious spirit by not allowing him to explore the "way back" seat (aka the third row of our minivan).

And I didn't have the patience to sit and let him play in the driver's seat, turning every possible knob he can find so the next time I get in the car, the air conditioner, defroster, windshield wipers (set to monsoon speed), hazard lights, high beams, and my stereo (on full blast) nearly knock me out of my seat.

And I growled and swatted at children who just wouldn't stop touching me and talking to me and fall asleep already!

I cried a lot and thought "I really just can't get up another day and do *this* again. I can't keep doing what I did today. I can't keep feeling like I feel right now."

And in the meantime I decided to up the ante.

I got a little caught up in the energy of Spring Cleaning and decided that I wanted to give some attention to cleansing my body (I don't want to do a full detox because I'm still nursing) but just being a little more aware of what I'm eating and how I'm treating my body. So since sometime earlier this month (no official start or end date) I've been cleansing.

I feel like I've gotten outside of my comfort zone with my enjoyment of an almost-nightly glass of wine to unwind. And my increasing interest in coffee. And how often I reach for a bottle of Advil because I just can't deal with this throbbing headache and function anywhere close to effectively as a mom of two young children.

So this week I skipped the wine (did a lot more Rescue Remedy than usual, drank my favorite Mellow Mama tea many times a day, did some fun art therapy stuff with my counselor, and took a walk by myself -- well, almost, the dog came with me -- at least once a day).

Until tonight. I decided to have a glass of wine tonight and I'm glad I did. It felt really good - not desperate.

Enjoying some wine, listening to music, catching up with my husband, and cleaning up the kitchen (after I had already taken a little jog, yes jog! - yay, me!) felt like a nice balance.

Our well pump broke this week. Not really a big thing in the scope of all reality but it felt pretty huge. No water. No washing dishes, flushing toilets, doing laundry, taking showers.

The experience itself -- especially my four-year-old sitting out in her wagon watching 300 feet of hose be pulled out of the ground -- was really positive. Within six hours of turning on the faucet and having nothing come out, a local well company was here fixing it!

I am so grateful for clean, running water and our easy access to it!

But the residual clutter (the water is still clearing since they stirred up sediment and added chlorine) of dishes and dirty clothes from a week of neglect is daunting.

However, I think the main stressor this week, which is much less overt but incredibly present, is that my kids are going to be turning two and four in a few weeks and I am still trying to figure out how the hell to do this whole mom thing.

I am still trying to figure out how to meet their needs and be present and enjoy and savor this time with them and meet my own needs and manage a household and (hopefully) find a little quiet time to write.

And it just feels like such a bummer. I really thought we'd be grooving by now.

I remember when my second was a newborn, and my first was turning two, and there was no real quiet, dreamy babymoon like with our first, and no "sleep when the baby sleeps". I felt like I was caught in a massive washing-machine of a crashing wave and just kept getting pelted from all directions -- nursing all day and night (or at least that's what it felt like) and being woken at 5 a.m. by a WIDE awake toddler who wanted to GO, GO, GO! The same toddler who decided a few months after her brother was born that she was done napping.

"My body isn't tired, Mama. I just can't make it sleep when it isn't tired."

I remember thinking...one and three, one and three, one and three...next year is going to be easier. They are going to be one and three. It has to be easier than what we're doing right now.

Then when one and three came and life still wasn't as groovy as I hoped it would be, my friend (whose kids are both six weeks younger than mine) and I started saying two and four, two and four, two and four. Just THINK about how much easier it's going to be next year when they are two and four! We're going to be "home free".

And now here we are. Getting ready for birthdays number two and four.

And wow. Definitely not feeling "home free".

LOTS of amazing things are happening. We really are having fun and are definitely having more flowy, groovy mornings (afternoons with one napper and one non-napper are still pretty challenging-and at times downright ugly).

But I really don't want to keep unconsciously shifting my mantra to "three & five, four & six, five & seven".

I don't want to experience mothering always waiting for the future, biding my time, killing an hour and just surviving the day (and relying on an ever-increasing number of substances and PBS shows to help me do so).

So here's to an amazing shift beginning NOW! Two and four (and 34 and 40), here we come! It's about to start getting really FUN!!!