Morning Glory!

My son Quinn has always been an early riser but this summer he's taken it to a new level -- up for the day by 5 a.m.

For the past several weeks I have been starting my days being angry at him and anyone else who happened to cross my path because I just don't want to be on toddler duty at 5 a.m.

It's not even that I want to sleep in. It's just that I like to start my day slowly and quietly -- two concepts that my two-year-old just doesn't seem to get!

In my perfect world I would wake up between five and six and slip downstairs alone for a walk or some yoga, followed by a cup of tea and time to write in my journal. Then I would get breakfast ready for my loving children who would wander downstairs (fully dressed and in pleasant moods!) around 7:30.

And I have a feeling we'll get there someday! (If Quinn follows in his sleepy-head sister's footsteps.)

But in the meantime Quinn has been wide awake and clambering into our bed at 5 a.m. for several weeks now and I have been growing increasingly more annoyed -- at him for being awake so early, and at John for somehow managing to sleep through the onslaught of exuberance.

Over the weekend I decided that I've had enough.

I don't like waking up angry. I don't like resenting my beautiful son. And I really, really need to figure out a way to have my smooth, peaceful morning that I desire so I'm not walking around in an angry, foggy haze all morning.

So I decided that no matter what the time or how I am awoken, I am going to choose to wake up in a pleasant mood, filled with gratitude and excitement for the coming day.

On Monday morning when not just Quinn -- but also Lily, who was SO excited for her first day of camp that she just couldn't sleep! -- arrived bedside at 4:45, I offered to take them on an "animal walk" (a walk in the double stroller to look for dawn-loving critters).

With a couple of pieces of toast to munch on, full sippy cups and a camera, we set off!

The only critters we saw were birds, but that was enough to entertain the kids and give me some time to mentally run through the coming day.

Since then Quinn and I have taken two more early morning walks and I'm not sure who is enjoying it more!

Here are some photos from our recent adventures...

We came up over the hill this morning and our neighbor's horses were at the fence waiting to greet us!







Then two swans entertained us.





"The waterfall is amazing, Mama. Waterfall makes Kin (Quinn) feel happy!"



Thank you Quinn, for inspiring your Mama to stretch out of her comfort zone. I love this special time that we've created together!

queen anne's lace...

clearing off the china cabinet

When John and I got married (eight years ago this month) we decided to use much of the money we received as gifts from family and friends towards the purchase of a few pieces of furniture.

My parents bought us a beautiful sleigh bed (which is being stored in the barn while we are in family-bed-on-the-floor stage) and we picked out a dining room table and a matching china cabinet.

We opted not to register for china, but instead chose to register at our favorite pottery studio and I remember what a wonderful time I had arranging our beautiful plates and bowls in the cabinet.

Over the years, the china cabinet has become the catch all for everything that doesn't have a home. It's also where I have started creating my home apothecary of homeopathic remedies, flower essences, essential oils, medicinal herbs etc.

The lower cabinets have become home to our "quiet closet," filled with board games and puzzles; our first aid kit (bandaids and Rescue Cream, which the kids help themselves to any time they need them); and our cold care kit (duck shaped hot water bottle, saline spray, soft cotton cloths, an otoscope and a few other odds and ends I'm forgetting).

The shelf, which I once visualized as a beautiful family alter space, is usually loaded up with Lily's artwork that I don't want to lose but don't know where/how to store, notecards and my address book for (attempting to keep up with) writing thank you notes, my kids baby books and birthday books, and other various creative projects that I hope "someday" to get to.

Oh and it's also the place where I tuck photographs that I love of our family so I can see them (when they are not lying on the floor getting stepped on after sliding out of the wooden rungs).

I should also mention that our china cabinet, and our kitchen table, are both prominent features of our living room, which truly is the room we "live" in. The room you walk into when you open our front door. The room where we spend the majority of our time.

I have slowly been working my way through the house, cleaning and decluttering as I go, and last night I decided it was time to clear away the clutter that has been masking our beautiful china cabinet!

before...



the table during (aka why i don't do decluttering projects when my kids are awake)...



after...





homes still needed for these items...



aaahhh....

Just in case...

...anyone is wondering what I've been up to (other than not keeping up with my blogs).

I've been decluttering and organizing and making space to create my home office and freecycling...and visiting childcare centers and looking up books for kids about starting "playschool."

And while I'm doing this, I'm continuing to process my feelings about my decision to return to work part-time in September.

I wrote this piece last week, which I've submitted for publication (fingers crossed!!).

Standing on the beach alone, listening to the gentle crash of the waves, my mind drifts through the last several months and the interesting ways the Universe has gently, and not-so-gently, nudged me towards my decision to return to work. A decision that was far from easy for me.

I have been trying for four years to love being home with my kids. I really have been trying. And there is a lot about it that I do love and very much appreciate. And I am so grateful for the many special times that I have shared with my children.

But the truth is that I just don't love it. Not full-time.

And the more time I spend doing something that I really just don't love doing, the more impatient, and angry, and snappy I get with my children and the more depressed and resentful I feel.

And being an impatient, angry, resentful mother is really not the mother, or the person, I want to be.

I know I want to make some changes in my life so that I can be the loving, present, connected mother that I’ve always dreamed of being.

But then I think if I just try a little bit harder, or really not even try, but just relax and be present and appreciate the beauty and just stop yelling and getting angry, maybe I can start to love it more.

But I just don’t love it. Not full-time.

I enjoy and appreciate and savor my time with my children so much more when I spend less time being their primary caregiver.

And I'm really excited now that I am finally giving myself permission to feel this, and say this, and imagine my life changing, so that I am spending more time doing things that I do love to do. Which I have shown over and over to myself, help me to savor and enjoy the time I do spend with my children.

And yet it is still so hard.

Admitting, to myself, and others, that I don’t love being a full-time caregiver to my children feels scary.

I'm afraid that what people will hear when I say that, is that I don’t love my children.

And I really, really do love my children. I love them more than words can express. And it is for them, as well as for me, that I am making this change in my life.

I have a quote hanging over my kitchen sink that says:

My greatest gift to give is my happiness.

And I really believe this in my heart.

So it is for myself, and my wonderful husband, and most importantly, my beautiful children, that I am giving myself the gift of time and space to pursue a career that makes my heart sing and that allows me to be the fullest expression of who I am.

I know that doing what I love makes it so much easier to be more present and connected to the people I love, most especially my children.

And being the fullest expression of who I am, invites them to be the fullest expressions of who they are, which is exactly the kind of mother, and person, I want to be.

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The Rainy Day Closet

Somewhere in the last four years (it's really all very much a blur) I discovered Sarah Ban Breathnach's delightful book, Mrs. Sharp's Traditions, which gives readers a peek into the world of Victorian house-holding, holidays and family traditions.

Among the many helpful and creative suggestions for enjoying family life is the "rainy day closet" -- a collection of books, toys, art supplies etc. that are ONLY enjoyed on rainy days.

While reading the book, I noted which closet I would use to create our own rainy day closet, and began collecting various items to tuck inside, with the hopes of someday organizing them into a fun collection.

But major organizational projects, especially ones that involve toys, are not exactly toddler-friendly activities, and once kids are sleeping, I usually have little energy, and even less creativity to tackle a project like this.

So this morning, while my kids were at my parents, before I even looked at my to-do list, I decided today is that "someday"!!

Here's the closet before:



And after:



Here are some of the things I've included...

Mama's Mystery Box: Various odds and ends, little battery-operated toys, bubble wrap, an inflatable beach ball etc.

Art Supplies: Pipe cleaners, pom-poms, googly eyes, stick-on foam pieces, and Color Wonder-type painting kits (the mystery chemicals involved in this "mess free" painting scare me a bit for regular use, but occasionally on a rainy day, they are a lot of fun).

Sewing & Lacing: Wooden beads, animal shaped lacing cards etc.

Rainy Day Books and Friends: A small, but growing, collection of books about rainy days and stuffed friends and puppets to enjoy them with!

Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head: Lots of open-ended, creative fun, but the tiny plastic pieces are more than I can handle on a daily basis, which makes the Potatoes perfect for a rainy day!

Farm Friends: A Leap Pad refrigerator toy. Requires batteries, sings two songs over-and-over and has little pieces that spend more time on the floor than on the fridge -- a shoe-in for the Rainy Day Closet.

Elmo: A hand-me-down giggling, plastic Elmo that I almost culled before my children saw it. I'm glad I didn't. He's PERFECT for a rainy day!

And lastly, Harvey the Bunny - our Rainy Day mascot who plays "Singing in the Rain" and dances. Harvey (no idea how we came up with that name) was a $2 consignment store score!

Yay! I don't think I've ever looked forward to rainy days as much as I am now!

frolicking at the farmer's market...

upcoming event...

It Really Does Take a Village
Presented by Erin Barrette Goodman

Sunday, August 17, 10 a.m.
Unitarian Universalist Congregation of South County
American Legion Post 39, 1958 Kingstown Road, South Kingstown

Most people have heard the African proverb "It takes the whole village to raise a child" but as many new parents soon discover, it can be very challenging in our modern society to find a friend or two – never mind a whole village! Join Erin Barrette Goodman, writer, teacher, founder of the Rhode Island Birth Network, and mother of two, as she introduces her village through photos and stories, and shares how she came to find (and create!) a beloved circle of kindred spirits.

Childcare will be available.