Just in case...

...anyone is wondering what I've been up to (other than not keeping up with my blogs).

I've been decluttering and organizing and making space to create my home office and freecycling...and visiting childcare centers and looking up books for kids about starting "playschool."

And while I'm doing this, I'm continuing to process my feelings about my decision to return to work part-time in September.

I wrote this piece last week, which I've submitted for publication (fingers crossed!!).

Standing on the beach alone, listening to the gentle crash of the waves, my mind drifts through the last several months and the interesting ways the Universe has gently, and not-so-gently, nudged me towards my decision to return to work. A decision that was far from easy for me.

I have been trying for four years to love being home with my kids. I really have been trying. And there is a lot about it that I do love and very much appreciate. And I am so grateful for the many special times that I have shared with my children.

But the truth is that I just don't love it. Not full-time.

And the more time I spend doing something that I really just don't love doing, the more impatient, and angry, and snappy I get with my children and the more depressed and resentful I feel.

And being an impatient, angry, resentful mother is really not the mother, or the person, I want to be.

I know I want to make some changes in my life so that I can be the loving, present, connected mother that I’ve always dreamed of being.

But then I think if I just try a little bit harder, or really not even try, but just relax and be present and appreciate the beauty and just stop yelling and getting angry, maybe I can start to love it more.

But I just don’t love it. Not full-time.

I enjoy and appreciate and savor my time with my children so much more when I spend less time being their primary caregiver.

And I'm really excited now that I am finally giving myself permission to feel this, and say this, and imagine my life changing, so that I am spending more time doing things that I do love to do. Which I have shown over and over to myself, help me to savor and enjoy the time I do spend with my children.

And yet it is still so hard.

Admitting, to myself, and others, that I don’t love being a full-time caregiver to my children feels scary.

I'm afraid that what people will hear when I say that, is that I don’t love my children.

And I really, really do love my children. I love them more than words can express. And it is for them, as well as for me, that I am making this change in my life.

I have a quote hanging over my kitchen sink that says:

My greatest gift to give is my happiness.

And I really believe this in my heart.

So it is for myself, and my wonderful husband, and most importantly, my beautiful children, that I am giving myself the gift of time and space to pursue a career that makes my heart sing and that allows me to be the fullest expression of who I am.

I know that doing what I love makes it so much easier to be more present and connected to the people I love, most especially my children.

And being the fullest expression of who I am, invites them to be the fullest expressions of who they are, which is exactly the kind of mother, and person, I want to be.