Life is good.

Here are a few things I want to remember about my 34th birthday...

~ Still riding the high from the amazing weekend and my first official overnight retreat since Lily was born, almost four years ago.

~ Taking several important steps towards starting my new career!

~ Driving the van through puddles today and hearing both kids SQUEAL with delight when the water splashed up.

~ Quinn having a major tantrum and throwing everything that came near him at the restaurant during lunch.

{And me REALLY not being all that bothered about it. Don't get me wrong, I definitely would have preferred to eat under more peaceful conditions but it didn't totally ruin my day in the way tantrums have in the past. That feels really BIG.}

~ Sitting in the van in the rain with the kids and watching surfers riding the waves and yelling "surfer up!!!.....awwwwww....surfer dooooooown" over and over and then laughing and laughing.

~ Receiving cards and e-mail wishes from friends I haven't talked to in a long time. It felt so good to reconnect!

~ Helping Quinn through another tantrum at nap time, and again being really pretty okay with it (I never imagined I'd feel this way about tantrums. Very cool. :-).

~ Having one of my wonderful Mother's Helpers here to keep Lil company while I was upstairs being okay with above-mentioned tantrum.

~ Hearing about the crazy adventure that my mom took to pick up a reflexology gift certificate for me and thinking about how wonderful it's going to be when I go for the treatment.

~ Watching Quinn be totally satisfied to re-gift me flowers two seconds after Lily presented them to me!

~ Eating delicious Pad Thai that John picked up on his way home tonight.

~ Having my dad take something out of the yard that I've been wishing would disappear so I can enjoy a more pleasing view out of my kitchen window.

~ And the most wonderful thing I want to remember about my 34th birthday...

Having Lily smile and reach under her pillow this morning. And pull out the birthday card she made for me.

On it she drew a picture and wrote in something that looked like this...

MMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMM

Which she dictated to John to be...

~ I love when Mama helps me to take a bath.
~ I love when Mama feeds me food.
~ I love when Mama takes me places and gives me treats.
~ I love when Mama helps me to sleep.
~ And when Mama helps me write letters.
~ And I love that Mama always cares about me and hugs me and kisses me.

Ahhhhhhh....life is good.

Spring Peepers: Week Two

I thought I was going to report that "Mother Hen" was losing interest in the chicks, but I was wrong (as you will see when you get to the last two pictures).

As I had anticipated, raising chicks in the living room ran its course in a week. When I walked in today the odor of wet bedding nearly knocked me over. And then there was the small detail that our little birds learned how to "fly the coop" and were roosting on the arms of our chairs (!).

So this afternoon I set up their new home, a cracked plastic kids' wading pool with our firewood ring holding the heat lamp, all of which is located in the basement!



It's a pretty good set up if I do say so myself! ;-)

Over the week, Lily has connected with two chicks in particular, Sarah and Cocoa. She really doesn't acknowledge the other four fuzzy babies in the group. Just, her best friends, Sarah and Cocoa.

Here's a shot of Lil pulling Sarah around in a tiny wagon. (I'm telling you, I was there, I really think the chick was okay with this.)



Cocoa, of course, wanted a ride too!



And then after not really paying much attention to the chicks the last few days, here is Lil *in* the chick's new swimming pool home (I had just put the fresh bedding in so it was nice and clean in there ;-).

Sunday, April 27, 2008. 6:02 a.m.

I am awakened suddenly.

This is nothing new for me as most mornings begin with my almost-two-year-old gently nudging me to read him a book (usually by dropping the hardest board book he can find on my head), or telling me that he'd like to a drink of water (by knocking our family's shared water cup off the window sill and onto our bed) or what I've come to savor most, that he'd like to nurse, which means that for at least five more minutes I can lay there in stillness and quiet before the day begins.

But today is different. I am alone. Just twenty minutes from my house, I am practically in my own backyard, and yet worlds away from my life.

I am on retreat. The first I have been on since my mothering journey began nearly four years ago.

The magic that is this perfect moment, began several months ago when I signed up for a writing workshop, Writing from the Heart with Nancy Aronie, as a birthday gift to myself. A six hour workshop, plus a little extra "alone time" driving there and back felt simply decedent.

Then a few days before the workshop my (wonderful, thoughtful) husband suggested that I might like to extend my workshop into a mini-retreat by staying overnight in a nearby hotel.

So here I am. Sprawled out in a king-size bed. All by myself.

And it feels WONDERFUL!

I got a few funny looks last night by the pool when the small talk turned to where we are from and what we are doing here. I explained that I lived 20 minutes away but was here, alone, celebrating my birthday.

"Do you have some friends with you?" a nice older gentleman asked me. "Or is your husband coming to meet you later?"

I smiled and assured him that I was very happy to be here, alone, celebrating my birthday.

"Oh, I get it" he said, winking, still seeming a bit perplexed but hopeful that I had something exciting planned for the night.

"Well, whatever you do, enjoy yourself!" he added as he and his travel companion gathered up their things and made plans for their night out.

I lingered at the pool a bit longer, alternating between lounging in the hot tub and lying in a chair re-reading Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh.

In the book, Lindbergh, a mother and writer like myself, reflects on her life and her dreams while spending time, alone, in a cottage by the sea.

And that's just what I'm here to do. To put life on pause for 24 hours and be still.

Well, that and to sleep -- when I want, where I want, for as long as I want.

And to move only when I want to in ways that feel wonderful.

Like this morning when I intended to begin my day with salutations to the sun but ended up doing more like half of a half sun salutation (and even that was a bit of a challenge for muscles that have been neglected for far too long).

And then I got back into bed, supported by a half-dozen pillows, with my laptop propped on a nice little wooden lap desk I found when I arrived.

And here I have been for the last two hours. Writing a little. Daydreaming a little. Relaxing a lot.

And anticipating the delicious (complementary) breakfast buffet awaiting me downstairs. And even more so, anticipating the arrival of my husband and children in a couple of hours for a morning of swimming and playing in the pool!

It felt so good to pause my life just for 24 hours, to remove myself from the dailiness of householding and childminding, to create and explore in the workshop, and to lounge and be still alone by the pool.

And, most importantly, to eagerly anticipate reuniting with my family; refreshed, renewed, and ready to resume the dailiness of householding and childminding, the very things that give meaning and purpose to my life.

Dandelions

I watched my daughter pick dandelions today.

And talk to them and tell them of their beauty.
And notice them all along the roadway.

And squeal with delight when she discovered
More of the cheery yellow flowers in our backyard.

I watched my daughter nurture her friendship with Nature today
And my heart overflowed with joy.

A new baby!

We got to visit "Lenny" a five-day old calf born at the family-farm where we buy our milk this week!



Lenny's Mama:

Spring Peepers!

John surprised us Friday night by coming home with six, week-old chicks. (He had to stop by the tractor supply store to get a new wheel for our lawnmower cart and couldn't resist the cute little peepers!)

What's in there?

Wow!

Settling them in to their temporary home (a recycling bin in our living room!)

Lily is in love!

I have to dig out my chicken book. It's been a couple of years since we've had chicks. I think they'll hang out in our living room for another week or so, then move down into the basement for a week or so, then out to the barn (separate from the "big girls") for a few more weeks.

Lily, of course, is totally loving her role as "mother hen". She's been doting on her chicks -- making sure they have fresh food and water and lots of love. And Quinn (who is turning two in a couple of weeks!!) is doing very well learning how to be "gentle-gentle" with our new friends.

Seal Watching

Yesterday Lily and I hiked Rome Point, a popular destination for seal-watching, along with some friends, my sister and her hiking club from work. It was about a three-mile round trip, one of the longer hikes I've done in a while and definitely the longest Lily has ever attempted. (Luckily, Auntie Jill was kind enough to give her a piggy-back ride much of the way back to the car. ;-)

We had a great time and were rewarded with a distant view of harbor seals sunning on the rocks in Narragansett Bay.

The kids, still mastering the challening art of binocular-viewing, were more interested in the thick footing of discarded shells that we got to walk on and crunch and the seagulls that entertained us with their antics and delighted us with the breadth of their vocalizations.

I made up a dip for after the hike. It was a quick throw-together of ingredients I had on hand that turned out to be incredibly delicious. (Recipe below.)

Smashed Meatballs

We love our meatballs in this house but we were looking for something (equally delicious) that was quick to make for dinner tonight after a long day working/playing in the yard.

John suggested pasta with a meat sauce but I thought the kids would balk at their meatballs not being well, meatballs. The we got the idea to sell them as "smashed meatballs". They were a BIG hit!!

Here's how I made them...

Saute chopped onion and minced garlic in olive oil with a little salt, pepper, basil, and celery seeds.

Add a pound of ground beef (preferably local and grass-fed) and brown, stirring every few minutes, for about 15 minutes.

Add one jar of tomato sauce and simmer on low for about a half an hour.

I served it over whole wheat spaghetti with garlic bread.

Lily decided that she likes smashed meatballs even better then the regular "hard" meatballs because they are yummier and easier to eat!

Embellished Guacamole

I made this yesterday for a post-hike snack. I started with the intention of making guacamole but then thought it would be nice to mix in some beans for extra protein. Beans made me think corn and then I just started mixing. I really liked how it came out and wanted to post the "recipe" while it was still fresh in my mind.

Ingredients:
1-2 ripe avocados
1 can of black beans
Frozen corn (maybe about a cup?)
1 small, or half of a large, onion, chopped
Salsa (a couple of heaping spoonfuls)

Add to taste:
Cilantro
Cumin
Salt

Mix everything together and serve with corn chips, crackers, carrot sticks etc.

lily's banana peel art...

New Nesting Boxes!!

My aunt and uncle, Lily's Godparents, came down today and installed new nesting boxes for our chickens!

Here's a before shot (old recycling bin on the floor):



A couple of during shots:





Quinn doing his own work nearby:



And after:



Dishpans fit inside for easy cleaning:



Lily checking out the new egg doors (She can now reach in from outside of the stall, which means no more chicken poop shoes or worrying about the rooster - yay!):





Bill got one more idea (a roosting pole that the chickens could jump onto to get into the boxes more easily):

Thank you Uncle Bill and Auntie Linda!! We LOVE it!!

.

Are we ever "home free"?

It's been a really...let's see...I want to say, "It's been a really fucking hard week" but I've already offended my mother once this week by using "the f word" in my writing -- and as a quote from her three-year-old granddaughter no less.

So I will just say that this week has been very challenging.

I can't really pinpoint one thing that was especially hard about it but it really felt like a long, painful, uphill climb -- and there was waaaaaay too much yelling and too much crying and too many temper-tantrums.

And I'm not just talking about my kids -- I really sucked as a mom this week in a lot of ways.

I yelled too much. I was too rough putting my almost-two-year-old into his carseat and squashed his beautiful, curious spirit by not allowing him to explore the "way back" seat (aka the third row of our minivan).

And I didn't have the patience to sit and let him play in the driver's seat, turning every possible knob he can find so the next time I get in the car, the air conditioner, defroster, windshield wipers (set to monsoon speed), hazard lights, high beams, and my stereo (on full blast) nearly knock me out of my seat.

And I growled and swatted at children who just wouldn't stop touching me and talking to me and fall asleep already!

I cried a lot and thought "I really just can't get up another day and do *this* again. I can't keep doing what I did today. I can't keep feeling like I feel right now."

And in the meantime I decided to up the ante.

I got a little caught up in the energy of Spring Cleaning and decided that I wanted to give some attention to cleansing my body (I don't want to do a full detox because I'm still nursing) but just being a little more aware of what I'm eating and how I'm treating my body. So since sometime earlier this month (no official start or end date) I've been cleansing.

I feel like I've gotten outside of my comfort zone with my enjoyment of an almost-nightly glass of wine to unwind. And my increasing interest in coffee. And how often I reach for a bottle of Advil because I just can't deal with this throbbing headache and function anywhere close to effectively as a mom of two young children.

So this week I skipped the wine (did a lot more Rescue Remedy than usual, drank my favorite Mellow Mama tea many times a day, did some fun art therapy stuff with my counselor, and took a walk by myself -- well, almost, the dog came with me -- at least once a day).

Until tonight. I decided to have a glass of wine tonight and I'm glad I did. It felt really good - not desperate.

Enjoying some wine, listening to music, catching up with my husband, and cleaning up the kitchen (after I had already taken a little jog, yes jog! - yay, me!) felt like a nice balance.

Our well pump broke this week. Not really a big thing in the scope of all reality but it felt pretty huge. No water. No washing dishes, flushing toilets, doing laundry, taking showers.

The experience itself -- especially my four-year-old sitting out in her wagon watching 300 feet of hose be pulled out of the ground -- was really positive. Within six hours of turning on the faucet and having nothing come out, a local well company was here fixing it!

I am so grateful for clean, running water and our easy access to it!

But the residual clutter (the water is still clearing since they stirred up sediment and added chlorine) of dishes and dirty clothes from a week of neglect is daunting.

However, I think the main stressor this week, which is much less overt but incredibly present, is that my kids are going to be turning two and four in a few weeks and I am still trying to figure out how the hell to do this whole mom thing.

I am still trying to figure out how to meet their needs and be present and enjoy and savor this time with them and meet my own needs and manage a household and (hopefully) find a little quiet time to write.

And it just feels like such a bummer. I really thought we'd be grooving by now.

I remember when my second was a newborn, and my first was turning two, and there was no real quiet, dreamy babymoon like with our first, and no "sleep when the baby sleeps". I felt like I was caught in a massive washing-machine of a crashing wave and just kept getting pelted from all directions -- nursing all day and night (or at least that's what it felt like) and being woken at 5 a.m. by a WIDE awake toddler who wanted to GO, GO, GO! The same toddler who decided a few months after her brother was born that she was done napping.

"My body isn't tired, Mama. I just can't make it sleep when it isn't tired."

I remember thinking...one and three, one and three, one and three...next year is going to be easier. They are going to be one and three. It has to be easier than what we're doing right now.

Then when one and three came and life still wasn't as groovy as I hoped it would be, my friend (whose kids are both six weeks younger than mine) and I started saying two and four, two and four, two and four. Just THINK about how much easier it's going to be next year when they are two and four! We're going to be "home free".

And now here we are. Getting ready for birthdays number two and four.

And wow. Definitely not feeling "home free".

LOTS of amazing things are happening. We really are having fun and are definitely having more flowy, groovy mornings (afternoons with one napper and one non-napper are still pretty challenging-and at times downright ugly).

But I really don't want to keep unconsciously shifting my mantra to "three & five, four & six, five & seven".

I don't want to experience mothering always waiting for the future, biding my time, killing an hour and just surviving the day (and relying on an ever-increasing number of substances and PBS shows to help me do so).

So here's to an amazing shift beginning NOW! Two and four (and 34 and 40), here we come! It's about to start getting really FUN!!!

Poetic Pause

As much as I am LOVING this poetry challenge and the experiences I've had writing poetry for the first time in a decade (or more?), I've decided to take a break.

Already I have gained so much from this experience. I'm really enjoying the energy of poetry much more than I ever have. I'm noticing rhythm and rhyme everywhere. I pulled out a bunch of nursery rhyme books that had been collecting dust on the shelf and the kids and I are having a great time exploring them.

However, I tend to get a little obsessive when I get involved in a creative project. Between this and my Treasure Map, I've been plugging my kids into the TV more than I feel comfortable with.

The fact that I haven't "kept up" for the last three days is causing background angst that I just don't need in my life!

Plus today we woke up to discover that we have NO water. None, not a drop coming out of the faucet. A well company will be coming out to diagnose in a couple of hours.

So my challenge today is to stay positive, relaxed, and flexible as we figure out what the problem is and how much it is going to cost to fix it.

And to laugh every time I forget and try to turn on the water at the faucet, again!

And enjoy my kids and this beautiful sunny day while doing it.

Energy Nuggets

Ok. No poetry inspiration yet today but I did want to share this recipe. The kids and I have been having fun making (and eating) these! I got the idea from one of my favorite cookbooks, Cooking with the Dead.

We've been having a lot of low blood sugar meltdowns around here lately so I'm trying to find some more healthy snacks to have on hand for frequent snacking! These are really quick and easy to make. I keep them in the fridge to eat at home or freeze them to bring along when we go out.

Ingredients
(all very approximate measurements)
2 cups of peanut butter
2 cups of brown puffed rice cereal
1/2 cup of maple syrup
1 cup of coconut flakes
1 cup of flax seeds
1 cup of sunflower seeds
1 cup of wheat bran
1/2 cup chopped prunes (or other dried fruit)
1/2 cup chocolate chips (plus some for snacking)

I measure everything out ahead of time and put each ingredient into a little bowl for the kids to dump in while I stir. We add the syrup in a little at a time to help offset the stickiness of the peanut butter and save 1/2 of the coconut to roll the nuggets in at the end.

Once everything is all mixed in I usually give the kids a scoop on a spoon to eat while I roll little balls in my hands (about the size of Swedish meatballs) and dredge them through the remaining coconut. Then I lay them on a cookie sheet lined with wax paper and put them in the fridge for at least an hour or so. (I transfer them into a storage container and keep in the fridge.)

That's it. Simple. Fun to make and REALLY delicious!

Poetry Challenge: Day 5

The Day 5 prompt is to write a poem of worry. Also known as a worry poem. Anything that causes you worry can be used to help you write this poem.

I've decided to come back to this one at a later time. I'm currently working on my TreasureMap (vision board for the coming year) so I don't feel like I want to hang out with worry right now! ;-)

Poetry challenge: Day Four

The prompt: Write a thankful poem. Another option is to write a tribute poem. The thankful/tribute poem can be dedicated to a person, an inanimate object, an idea, a day of the week, etc.

Happy Hour

I am thankful for thee
Oh Sesame.

My children you delight
Allowing me some time to write.

Letters, colors, the number of the day
No fighting, no yelling - let's find a gentle way.

It's a beautiful daily gift you give to me
Despite my pre-kid vow that our house would be 'no tv'.

Poetry challenge: Day 3

Today's prompt is: write a haiku.


Off to read what makes a haiku, a haiku before I attempt to writeone. I know they are really short and syllables make a pattern (5-7-5, I think).

Ok. Here's what I just (re)learned: It is about nature. Contains a word that represents the season. Uses a juxtaposition of images. No similes or metaphors. In Japanese it's 5-7-5 sounds (syllables). In English it's generally short-long-short.

Here goes nothing...

black three-part body
awoken by the season
crawls on the table

Poetry Challenge - Day Two

The prompt: Put yourself in someone (or something) else's skin and write a poem about the experience. Who (or what) ever you become, please make that the title of the poem. If you're Buddy Holly, your poem should be called "Buddy Holly." If you're the Bates Motel, your poem should be called "Bates Motel." And so on.

And my (second attempt at a) poem:

The Family Dog

New home
New collar
Cozy bed
Center of the world.

Toys
Walks
Car rides
Snuggles on the couch.

What is THAT?
Crying
Squeaking
Receiver of all toys, love, attention.

"Go lie down."
"Be quiet."

Banished
From the couch,
the kitchen,
the "playroom".

Forgotten outside
overnight
more than once.

"Did anyone feed the dog?"

At last a shift.
She who displaced now befriends.

Tea parties
Dress up
Endless walks around the house.

Follow me here.
"Good dog."
Now over here.

"You are my best friend."

The life of the family dog.

Writer's Digest: Poem-A-Day Challenge for April

April is National Poetry Month and, to celebrate, Robert Lee Brewer (ringmaster of the Poetic Asides blog) challenged himself to write a poem each day--and he wants you to join him.The goal of the Poem-A-Day Challenge is to get poems on paper without worrying about quality as much as getting some first-draft material to work with. And, if you need a kickstart, he's offering a poetry prompt (which today is "firsts") for each day.

This sounds like fun! I can't remember the last time I wrote a poem. I'm looking forward to exploring a new mode of expression. And I'm looking forward to sharing the experience with my children, who are (almost) four and (almost) two.

I guess I'm going to start. I think I'll just call this one...

My First Poem for Lily

Wow.
So many firsts recently.
It's amazing how much you are expanding.
Artwork has blossomed into a more clear vision of the
World as you see it.
Beautiful colors. Recognizable images. Amazing perspective.
Finally (FINALLY!!!) pooping on the potty. I knew you'd do it eventually but,
Let me tell ya Lil, you sure did resist this one.
First week of playing.
Really playing, and laughing and enjoying your brother, Quinn.
I think you are really starting to like him and he just adores you.
First time I looked at you and saw a four-year-old and not a three-and-a-half year old.
First visits from the Full Moon Fairies.
First time we went to Chuck E. Cheese together. Just the two of us. On a date.

And today...
First April Fool's Day joke.
You were AMAZING when you "fooled" Nana on the phone today.
You totally got her.
And you nailed the punchline.
SO cool.

--------

Wow. That was interesting. Fun. Awkward. Vulnerable. Mostly really fun!

Part of me wonders if I "did it right". Did I get my punctuation and capitalization and general flow right? Did I do anything embarrassing that's going to make me look stupid?

The rest of me doesn't really care. This was really fun and it felt good to stretch a little.